


The Dialogue With No Name

by willhenreeeee



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 18:44:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2822345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willhenreeeee/pseuds/willhenreeeee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is something I wrote last year for fun, that involved into a nearly complete series about Rossi slowly becoming one of those people that's going through their random phase... I'll describe it in more detail later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dialogue With No Name

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The people on fanfiction who actually enjoyed it and helped me with it](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+people+on+fanfiction+who+actually+enjoyed+it+and+helped+me+with+it).



So this is a thing I wrote a while back, probably 2012-2013. It originally started out started out as a series of journals on my dA account, but then I decided it was funny enough to put on fanfiction.net as almost a joke. People actually enjoyed it, because it is pretty damn funny and silly, and was kind of a relief since I wrote it during a painful time where Emily had just left and Reid was being abused by the writers (as per usual). So here, I present to a series of dialogues, which I cleverly titled The Dialogue With No Name.

 

Part One: The Bait

*we come across our heroes standing in the middle of a parking lot, watching a strange woman that Rossi has plans for*  
Woman: *runs around laughing hysterically*  
Morgan: Are you SURE this'll work?  
Rossi: Yeah! It has to. The guy's insane enough to take the bait.  
Blake: I'm pretty sure this is illegal.  
Reid: And wrong! Don't forget wrong!  
Rossi: Don't worry! I've got it handled. She signed a release form and everything.  
Morgan: You are one sick little Italian man.  
Woman: *is now rolling around in the snow*  
Blake: Where'd you even find this woman?  
Rossi: In the back of a strip club, high on caffeine pills. Either that or she’s just a very hyper person. There are people like that, you know.  
Blake: Aren’t you a little old for strip clubs?  
Rossi: DON'T YOU JUDGE ME, JUDGE ALEX.  
Morgan: Hey, I see him! *points to a man in the bushes*  
Rossi: Told you he was an idiot.  
Killer: *jumps out and grabs the woman*  
*everybody jumps out of their hiding spot*  
Morgan: FB-!  
Woman: *tasers the man, and he falls to the ground twitching*  
Morgan: ...I?  
Blake: Oh.  
Rossi: *turns to the team* Okay, which one of you smart asses gave her a taser?  
Reid: I figured that you had given it to her, to apprehend the suspect...?  
Rossi: OH. RIGHT. Yes Reid, that was exactly what I planned to happen!  
Reid: So you're telling me she was at little to no risk whatsoever?  
Rossi: Oh course! It'd be wrong for the FBI to just take a random woman, only to get her killed! Silly. *pats Reid's head*  
Reid: ... Right. *pushes Rossi's hand away*  
Morgan: *hauls the guy over* Well, whether or not we're going to hell for it, we got him.  
Blake: Won't we get in trouble for this?  
Reid: Blake's right, Strauss is going to kill us when we get back. Also Hotch. It is not possible to be killed twice… unless of course we’re revived after the first time. In that case-  
Blake: We get it, Reid.  
Reid: Yeah, we’re kind of dead.  
Rossi: Who says they're ever going to find out? MUHAHAHAHA-  
Morgan: *smacks the back of Rossi's head*  
Rossi: -But yeah, they're never going to know.  
Reid: I feel so dirty...  
Woman: *walks up and taps Rossi on the shoulder* Ahem...?  
Rossi: Hi, yeah?  
Woman: Can I have my 50 bucks now?  
Rossi: Oh, sure, here you go. *takes out a crumpled bill and hands it to her*  
Woman: Thanks! I need this to help pay for my tonsil surgery. They're all swollen; see? *opens her mouth and points*  
Rossi: Dear God.  
Morgan: PLEASE LEAVE  
Woman: Okay, bye now! *skips away*  
Reid: ...Let's please never speak of this night and it's events ever again.  
Blake: Agreed.  
Rossi: Mmhmm.  
Morgan: *to Rossi* I hate you sooooooooooooo fucking much right now, man.

Part Two: The Pimp

Hour 0

Garcia: Oh, I am SO not doing this. This is not my job, I’m supposed to be back at the bureau helping to catch this guy, not ON THE STREET HELPING TO CATCH THIS GUY.  
Rossi: Well, you have to! I command it!  
Morgan: I will NOT let you put her in danger.  
Rossi: Calm down Morgan, I'll GIVE her a taser this time!  
Garcia: Wh… what is he talking about?  
Morgan: …*pulls Garcia closer to him* Shhh, it’s gonna be okay.  
Garcia: Sooooo not okay with this.

Hour 1

JJ: So this is what you do when Hotch isn't around?  
Reid: Yes... though personally I find it wrong, humiliating, and terrifying.  
Rossi: Oh calm down. Haven't you ever heard of "The ends justify the means?".  
Reid: Haven't you ever heard of the American Justice System!?  
Rossi: I'm aware that prostitution isn't legal.  
Reid: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT IT'S THE FACT THAT WE ARE LITERALLY BAIT FOR AN UNSUB!  
Rossi: Oh... that.  
JJ: I hate to defend the fact that I'm in a sparkly mini skirt and fishnets, but Rossi has a point. We'll be able to catch the unsub quickly and easily… even though this IS a very unorthodox method and we will probably all be fired.  
Rossi: If we get caught. Which we won’t! For now we’re undercover cops AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT.  
Reid: We're not the police, we're FBI PROFILERS!  
Rossi: Heh, your voice gets high pitched when you're distressed.  
Reid: ...You know what? Fuck this. I give up. *crosses his arms and stares straight ahead*   
Garcia: *gasps and looks up at Morgan* He made Reid swear… 

Hour 2

Garcia: I'm really uncomfortable right now.  
Morgan: At least you're not wearing a thong that says Lover Boy.  
Garcia: *laughs* Seriously?  
Morgan: *nods*  
Garcia: *giggles and smiles at him* At least it's fitting.  
Morgan: You know it, baby girl. *wink*  
Rossi: Dear God, please spare us.

Hour 3

Rossi: JJ, COME HERE!  
JJ: Why?  
Rossi: Because I'm a pimp, and every pimp needs a whore leaning against him!  
JJ: What?!  
Morgan: How come YOU get to be the pimp anyway?!  
Rossi: Because I have more class than you.  
JJ: Oooooooooooooooooo  
Garcia: BUUURN~!  
Reid:   
Morgan: Oh, you wanna go!?  
Rossi: *shrugs* Sure! ...Wait, where exactly are we going?  
Morgan: Depends on how hard I hit you. *pulls back his arm*  
Rossi: UHHH  
JJ: *grabs Morgan's arm* Can we please not add assault to our ever-growing list of criminal charges?  
Morgan: *signs* Fine. *lowers his fist*  
Rossi: Whew. *wipes his forehead*  
Morgan: Oh, don't you think I'm not gonna get you back for this.  
Rossi: *gulp* … I AM ABOVE THE LAW *runs to the other side of the street*

Hour 4

Garcia: Wait, isn't that him?  
Guy: *is walking around some feet away*  
Rossi: So, who's going to do it?  
JJ: NO! NOT ME!  
Garcia: Not it.  
Rossi: Reid?  
Reid:   
Rossi: O...kay... Morgan?  
Morgan: No! This was your "ingenious plan of never failing", why don't you do it?!  
Rossi: Because I'm the pimp. Pimps don't sell themselves, their bitches do. You, Garcia, JJ, and Reid are my bitches.  
Garcia: Wait, what about Blake? Didn’t you bring her last time?  
Rossi: I invited her, but she slapped me when she saw the costume.  
JJ: Really?  
Rossi: Yeah, and it was more flattering than yours, too. Still didn't like it!  
Morgan: What was it?  
Rossi: *pulls a fishnet shirt and booty shorts out of his coat*  
Morgan: …*puts his head in his hands*  
Rossi: *sighs* She was gonna be my numba one ho…

Hour 5

Guy: *walks up to them*  
Rossi: *shoves Morgan forward*  
Guy: Hey. How much?  
Morgan: ...*punches him out*  
Rossi: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?  
Morgan: Me not crawling along with murderous pond scum?  
Rossi: You needed to follow, reveal your an agent, and arrest him!  
Morgan: YOU WERE GONNA LET THE GUY FUCK ME!?  
Rossi: HEY. I wasn't gonna give the signal farther than the blowjob.  
Morgan: WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET SO PERVERTED?!  
Rossi: I HAVE 3 EX WIVES, DEREK. THREE.

Hour 6 

*after Morgan and Rossi argue for 40 minutes*  
Garcia: Can we please leave now?! There's a dude over there who's been giving me a weird look for the past 10 minutes.  
Morgan: *puts an arm around her* Sure, baby girl.  
Rossi: *sighs* Fine. *starts walking away*  
Morgan: *handcuffs the unsub and pulls him up*  
Garcia: Wait, what about Reid?  
JJ: *walks over to him* We're finally leaving, Spence. Spence?  
Reid:   
JJ: *waves a hand in front of his face*  
Reid:   
Garcia: Awww Rossi, you broke our genius!  
Rossi: He'll get over it! Just tell him we're leaving.  
JJ: I did, he's not budging.  
Rossi: *sighs, grabs Reid's arm, and drags him along*  
Reid: *stays in the same position with the same facial expression, like a statue*

 

Part Three: The Room

Hotch: I can't. Believe. What you've been doing.  
Rossi: I'm sorry, I thought I was being clever and original!  
Hotch: Putting a woman in danger and dressing Reid like Frank 'N' Furter is clever and original?  
Rossi: Well, yeah. And for the record it's not like I made him strut around and sing the song!  
Reid: Yes you did.  
Rossi: Oh.  
Hotch: *pinches the bridge of his nose*  
Morgan: I FUCKING TOLD YOU HOTCH WOULD FIND OUT!  
Rossi: WELL I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD HAPPEN THIS SOON! Or like this…

Two hours earlier

Hotch: *busts into the house* FB-... what the hell are you guys doing?  
*Rossi, Reid, Morgan, and JJ are standing there in clown suits*  
Rossi: Uh... I can explain.

Present

Rossi: It's not my fault you started shouting and attracted their attention anyway!  
Hotch: What were you even trying to do in the first place?!  
JJ: One of them had a traumatizing experience with a clown.  
Hotch: And WHY are you backing him up?  
JJ: *holds up a 100 dollar bill*  
Hotch: I see.  
*the lights flicker*  
Reid: CRAP, I hope the power doesn't go out...  
JJ: *chuckles* Still afraid of the dark?  
Reid: Pff, I don't know, still afraid of the woods?!  
Morgan: HEY. Calm down, pretty boy.  
Reid: Sorry... I'm just... *looks at Rossi* WHY DO I KEEP GOING ALONG WITH THIS?!  
Rossi: Beats me. The last time we did something you ended up frozen in the same position for a week. We had to hook you up to a feeding tube.  
Reid: Don't remind me.  
Hotch: Can we please focus on finding a way out of here?  
Morgan: Well, there's no doors, no windows-  
*the power goes out*  
Morgan: ...annndddd now there's that. Great.  
JJ: Spence, please get off me.  
Reid: Sorry. *there's a shuffling noise*  
Rossi: Okay, as long as we stay calm, we'll be fine.  
Morgan: Yeah. Besides, if they got us in here, there HAS to be a way to get out.  
Hotch: Yes, but the question is how?  
Rossi: I think I have an idea... but I'll need a piece of string, some sandals, and a well trained monkey.  
Hotch: ROSSI!  
Rossi: What?  
Morgan: *sighs* What the hell happened to you, man?  
Rossi: What do you mean?  
Morgan: You used to be so practical and intelligent, and now... and now you're pulling into hare-brained schemes that have little to no use compared with other methods!  
Rossi: Well Morgan, considering the horrors of my job and my tragic personal life, you should be wondering why I didn't snap sooner. Because, you see, the pain I've been through has taken a horrible toll on my mental health. You, as profilers, can infer that my traumatic experiences have been so grand and numerous that I've turned inside out mentally, so now I'm dressing you as clowns and cheap transvestites.  
*awkward silence*  
Rossi: So who wants churros!?  
Morgan: We're in a boxed 8x8 room, where the fuck did you get churros?  
Rossi: *there's a crinkling sound* I always keep some in a plastic bag in my jacket. THEY'RE MY EMERGENCY CHURROS!  
Morgan: Why do you need emergency churros?  
Rossi: *laughs* Ah Morgan, EVERYONE needs emergency churros.  
Morgan: You can't see this, but I'm flipping you off.  
Rossi: Okay, so, who wants a churro?!  
*silence*  
Rossi: Oh, come on! JJ?  
JJ: Um... no thanks, I'm on a diet.  
Rossi: Okay, what about you Hotch?  
Hotch: Please get that thing out of my face.  
Rossi: Reid?  
Reid: ...  
Rossi: Oh, come on, you know you want it.  
Reid: Don't or I'll talk about their history. I'll even stretch it out. Make it a two hour speech.  
Rossi: HA, clever boy! *pats his head*  
Reid: I'd... I'd thank you not to touch me. *tries to push his hand away*  
Rossi: *starts petting his hair*  
Reid: *whimper*  
Rossi: Jesus, your hair is soft! It's like a baby yak.  
Reid: Thank you...?  
Rossi: What shampoo do you use? *there's a sniff* Smells like Herbal Essences.  
JJ: Stop violating Reid!  
Rossi: But his hair's so-  
JJ: STOP.  
Rossi: Fine. *sits back in his spot*  
Reid: ...I'm gonna take a cold shower when I get home.  
Rossi: Want a churro, Morgan?  
*there's a smack, then a skidding sound*  
Rossi: NOOOOOO, CHURRO!  
*there's the sound of Rossi crawling around*  
Morgan: Sorry, I just-  
Rossi: It's okay, I have 10 more.  
Morgan: Shit.  
*the lights come back on*  
Reid: *sighs with relief*  
Rossi: YES *picks up the churro*  
Voice: Hello, BAU.  
Hotch: Who is this?  
Voice: Oh, you should know.  
Reid: Andrew Serhan.  
Voice: That is correct, Dr. Reid.  
Hotch: What do you want?  
Voice: Revenge.  
JJ: For what?  
Voice: Trying to stop me from carrying out my duties. Also, traumatizing my brother with those STUPID clown outfits!  
Rossi: HEY, I paid a lot of money for those!  
Voice: So we're going to kill you now. All five members of the BAU gone. DEAD! *evil laugh*  
Rossi: But there's-  
Hotch: *covers Rossi's mouth* Alright. Fine. Kill us.  
*all whispering*  
Reid: Hotch, what are you doing?  
Hotch : I have a plan.  
Rossi: *pushes Hotch's hand away and mouth* So do I!  
Hotch: No! NO. No crazy schemes with monkeys and string.  
Rossi: Pssh, that was the escape plan. This is the ATTACK plan.  
Hotch: Does this one involve a gorilla and rope?  
Rossi: No! ...Though that is a pretty good idea.  
Hotch: *puts his head in his hands*  
Rossi: *stands up and pulls away from the group* Oh, it's too bad we're gonna die and won't be able to eat anymore of these DELICIOUS churros!  
Voice: ...Did you just say churros?  
Rossi: Mmhmm.  
Voice: I... I love churros.  
Morgan: You've gotta be fucking kidding me CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOOT ME?!  
Rossi: Me too! Finest Mexican cuisine.  
Voice: HA! You can say that again.  
Rossi: Do you want one?  
Voice: Sure... can you give it to me?  
Rossi: Um...  
Voice: WAIT, RIGHT. Okay. *there's footsteps and part of the wall moves away*  
Reid: I KNEW THERE HAD TO BE A SECRET DOOR!  
JJ: What?  
Reid: You know, logically, that would be the only way to... whatever, I'll shut up.  
Andrew: Can I have a churro now?  
Hotch: MORGAN!  
Morgan: *tackles him*  
Andrew: NO FAIR!  
Rossi: Churro THAT. *takes a bite of one*  
Hotch: *smacks him on the back of the head*  
Rossi: *turns to Hotch slowly* ...OW?

Part Four: The Boar

*Emily Prentiss walks into the FBI offices*  
Garcia: *gasps* EMILY! *runs over and hugs her*  
Prentiss: *laughs and hugs back* Hey Garcia, it's good to see you!  
Reid: *hugs her as well* What are you doing here?  
Prentiss: Well, I had to come by D.C, so I figured I'd stop here and say hi.  
Hotch: It's very nice of you to think of us. *smiles and embraces Emily as well*  
Morgan: I still think we should get an alarm for when Hotch smiles. Everyone can drop down balloons and throw confetti. *pulls Emily against him*  
JJ: *laughs* That's a good idea, actually. *hugs Emily as well*  
Prentiss: *squirms slightly* I'm happy to see you guys too, but could you...?  
Reid: Right, sorry. *lets go*  
Morgan: *pulls away and sits back on his desk*  
JJ: *gives Emily one last squeeze, then walks over next to Reid*  
Hotch: *pulls back as well*  
Prentiss: Garcia...  
Garcia: But... you smell like angels. *hugs her tighter and sniffs her coat*  
Prentiss: *sighs and smiles wearily*  
Garcia: *sniffs deeply* God, it's like a million flowers that got peed on by a unicorn.  
Prentiss: *scans the group* ...Where's Rossi?  
JJ: Oh, um...  
Reid: He's...  
Morgan: It's a... but... um...  
Garcia: *muffled* Not here.  
Hotch: ...He's on probation.  
Prentiss: *startled* Probation?! For what?  
Reid: *rubs the back of his neck* Well, for the past few weeks he's been acting...  
Hotch: Reckless.  
JJ: Bizarre.  
Morgan: Stupid.  
Garcia: Balls-to-the-wall batshit INSANE.  
Reid: *glares* THANK YOU, I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR INPUT. He's been acting... he's deteriorating.  
Prentiss: How so?  
Reid: Well-  
Morgan: He dressed us up as prostitutes!  
Hotch: He got us trapped in the house of an unsub!  
JJ: He used a random woman as bait!  
Garcia: Don't forget the thing with the chipmunk and the lawnmower!  
Pretiss: Reid... is... is all of this true?  
Reid: *sighs* Yeah... it is.  
Morgan: He actually fucked Reid up pretty badly. Made him dress in drag and sing songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  
Reid: *groans* Why would you tell her that!?  
Morgan: It was funny!  
Prentiss: *thinks for a moment and bursts out laughing*  
Reid: *looks distressed* Emily!  
JJ: C'mon Spence, you've gotta admit that was pretty funny.  
Reid: *runs a hand down his face* I need coffee.  
Morgan: You always need coffee.  
Reid: Shut up. *walks over to the coffee maker*  
Pretiss: *frowns* Reid seems a little off...  
Hotch: Everybody is acting a bit off. Reid's being hostile, JJ is becoming odd-  
JJ: I dipped a french fry in yogurt ONE TIME and suddenly I'm the BAU freak!  
Hotch: -Morgan has something called "swag" all of a sudden-  
Morgan: *laughs* Man Hotch, I've always had the swagger! *pushes his cap down*  
Hotch: ..Right. And Garcia is being… well, more quirky than usual.  
Garcia: *shoves face in Emily's chest* OH, YOUR BOOBS SMELL NICE TOO!  
Prentiss: *pushes her away gently* What about you?  
Hotch: I'm feeling a bit... lighter.  
Morgan: That's a feeling we humans call "joy".  
Hotch: You know I could knock you off this team whenever I please, right?  
Morgan: I'm just sayin'...  
Prentiss: God, I'm gone for three months and everything blows up.  
JJ: Don't feel bad, Em! Maybe we all just miss you.  
Prentiss: That would still be my fault, though.  
Garcia: Don't worry about it, we're doing good with Blake... wherever she is...  
Blake: *from a nearby desk* Hello, I've been sitting here this whole time!  
Garcia: *shrugs* Must have gone home.  
Blake: *rubs her temples*  
Prentiss: Okay...  
Hotch: Anyway, he's going to be home for a few weeks. Strauss recognizes there's a problem, so they're still paying him.  
JJ: We miss him, but we're glad to have him out of the offices for now.  
Garcia: I still don't get why his behavior's so bad, though! He has good intentions.  
Morgan: Baby girl, he put a weasel down another agent's pants.  
Garcia: And?  
Morgan: *sighs*  
JJ: I actually find it strange that Rossi snapped before Reid. With Maeve's death and all-  
Prentiss: Whose death!?  
JJ: NOTHING  
Prentiss: ...That's not even-  
Hotch: Look, Emily, why don't you pay him a visit?  
Prentiss: Alright... I'll try to see if I can help him.  
*there’s a high-pitched cry from the other side of the room*  
Reid: WHY ARE ALL THE MUGS FILLED WITH SILLY STRING!?  
Hotch: ...I doubt that.  
Prentiss: Well, I'll try. *walks away*  
Blake: Oh, so that's Emily Prentiss...  
JJ: Oh hey Blake, when did you get here?!  
Blake: *sighs wearily*

Prentiss: *knocks on Rossi’s front door*  
Rossi: HOLD ON  
*there's feet pounding, the sound of things getting knocked over, and the squeals of some animal*  
Rossi: *opens the door* ...GHOST! *slams it shut*  
Prentiss: David, it's me!  
Rossi: *opens the door slightly and looks through the crack* Well, YEAH. Obviously. But you're supposed to be dead!  
Prentiss: My death was faked, remember?  
Rossi: Ohhh, right! *opens the door all the way* I remember that prank, it was awesome! Reid was sooooooo pissed! *laughs and hugs her* Ooo, you smell nice.  
Prentiss: *looks at him sadly* May I come in?  
Rossi: Sure! *pulls her inside and locks the door several times*  
Prentiss: *raises an eyebrow*  
Rossi: This keeps the bears out. *winks and walks to the kitchen*  
Prentiss: ...Okay? *follow hims*  
Rossi: I made pasta, you want some? *hands her a bowl*  
Pretiss: *furrows her eyebrows* David, this is shredded paper with pencil shavings sprinkled over it.  
Rossi: *shrugs* The recipe was created by a writer. Here, have some wine too! *pours some Oxyclean into a mug*  
Prentiss: ...No thanks, I’m good.  
*something darts into the kitchen*  
Prentiss: *gasps* What is that?!  
Rossi: Oh, this is Mr. Oinkers! *picks the animal up* He's a furry pig.  
Prentiss: I think he's actually a wild boar...  
Rossi: *shrugs* Same difference.  
Prentiss: *shakes her head* Where did you ever get him?!  
Rossi: Some Russian dude just came to my door one day with him and was all like "here, take". So I took him! Isn't he adorable! Why don’t you say hi? *holds the boar up to her*  
Boar: *thrashes around with a wild look in his eyes and drool dripping from his toothy maw*  
Prentiss: UHH… hello, Mr. Oinkers…  
Boar: *demon-like screech*  
Rossi: *laughs and puts the boar down*   
Prentiss: So... how are you doing?  
Rossi: Fine, why?  
Prentiss: I was just wondering, because everyone was saying that you've been acting... strange.  
Rossi: *shrugs* They just can't appreciate how amazing my plans are!  
Prentiss: David, you dressed Reid as Frank 'N' Furter.  
Rossi: I figured it would make everyone happy. Nobody has been happy. You left, I lost someone dear to me, Reid lost a girl that was dear to him, Strauss has a drinking problem...  
Prentiss: *rests a hand on his shoulder* It's okay. I understand.  
Rossi: *smiles* Yeah...  
Prentiss: So your antics are an attempt to make everybody happy?  
Rossi: I guess so. I really thought I was helping…   
Prentiss: I'm sure you are.  
Rossi: *smiles*  
Prentiss: Um, could I get some water?  
Rossi: Sure! *opens the freezer, and a bunch of random objects fall out*  
Prentiss: ...Why are there plastic shapes in your freezer?  
Rossi: *picks one up and shakes his head* It's 2013 and you still can't freeze something that's already solid. *throws it over his shoulder*  
Prentiss: ...  
Rossi: *takes some ice and throws it in a cup* Here. *hands it to her*  
Prentiss: Isn't there supposed to be water in here?  
Rossi: Isn't ice just frozen water?  
Prentiss: Yeah, but-  
Rossi: HA! Gotcha with the logic! *waves his hands in her face*  
Prentiss: Um... yeah. You got me good! *awkward smile*  
Rossi: Yeah! *runs into the living room*  
Prentiss: *mutters to herself* It almost seems like he's regressing... then he's fine...  
Rossi: Want to watch some television? I just need to find the remote! *digs around the couch*  
Prentiss: It's definitely not schizophrenia...  
Rossi: When did this get here...? *pulls out a dollar bill* Hey, I'm rich! *does a jig*  
Prentiss: Hmm...  
Rossi: *pulls out the remote* Found it! ...Hey, are you okay?  
Prentiss: Yeah, I'm just tired, that's all. *sips the water that's accumulated at the bottom of the cup*  
Rossi: You want to stay over? I just got a new mattress.  
Prentiss: Oh, um... sure.  
Rossi: *pulls her to the bedroom*  
Prentiss: *sits down on the made side of the bed*  
Rossi: Oh, no you're loyal, so you can sleep at the foot of the bed. You know, like a dog!  
Prentiss: ...Okay?  
Rossi: Okay! *curls up on his side*  
Prentiss: ...*crawls over the end of the bed and lies down*  
Rossi: There ya go. *throws a blanket to her*  
Prentiss: Thanks. *puts it over herself*  
Rossi: *turns off the light* Night.  
Prentiss: Good night. *closes her eyes*  
Rossi: ...Hey Emily?  
Prentiss: Yes?  
Rossi: Do you like my pig?  
Prentiss: *chuckles* Yes, he seems like a very nice pig… *shivers a little*  
Rossi: Oh, okay. *smiles*  
Prentiss: *smiles as well and adjusts her position*  
Rossi: ...Hey Emily?  
Prentiss: Yeah?  
Rossi: Is the team happy?  
Prentiss: Right now they are, even Hotch. Though they are a bit worried about you.  
Rossi: Oh... *there's the sound of him turning over*  
Prentiss: Mmhmm. *stretches out and tries to get comfortable again*  
Rossi: ...Hey, Emily?  
Prentiss: *yawns* Mmhmm?  
Rossi: ...Do you think I'm crazy?  
Prentiss: *tears up a bit, but pushes it back* No... no, not at all.  
Rossi: Okay, good.  
Prentiss: ...Hey, David?  
Rossi: Yeah?  
Prentiss: ...We're all gonna be fine, okay?  
Rossi: Yeah... okay.  
Prentiss: Yeah. *smiles sadly*  
*Emily lies awake until she hears the sound of Rossi snoring*  
Prentiss: I guess I should go... *rolls over to see the boar staring at her*  
Boar: *squeals very loudly*  
Prentiss: JESUS H. CHRIST *rolls off the bed and bolts outside*  
Boar: *snorts and burrows under the covers*

Part Five: The Video

*JJ and Garcia are scrolling around YouTube during their lunch break*  
Garcia: Seen it... seen it...  
JJ: Weird looking... sounds a bit dumb...  
Garcia: *sighs* Seen it like a MILLION times...  
JJ: I didn't know she had a new music video...  
Garcia: Hmm...  
JJ: WAIT!  
Garcia: *freezes* What?  
JJ: *points to a video entitled TWO DRUNKEN FBI AGENTS DO MARMALADE*  
*the women look at each other*  
JJ: Click it.  
Garcia: You don't have to ask me twice. *clicks the video*  
JJ: *drops her spoon back in her yogurt cup*  
Garcia: *stares at the screen wide-eyed*  
JJ: Is that...?  
Garcia: *nods*  
JJ: This is too good not to share.  
Garcia: *grabs her laptop and runs out of the room*  
JJ: *quickly follows*

In The Offices

Reid: But I seriously don't understand how people always mistake it for a phone booth, it's CLEARLY a police box!  
Blake: *snorts* You are such a little Whovian.  
Reid: A what?  
Garcia: *charges in and slams the laptop on the table*  
Morgan: *jumps* Jesus Mama, what's the matter?  
JJ: * collapses in a chair next to Morgan*  
Garcia: JUST. WATCH. *hits replay*  
Blake: *chokes on her sandwich a bit*  
Reid: *spits out his coffee*  
Morgan: Is that...?  
Blake: THAT'S STRAUSS AND HOTCH!  
Reid: What the hell are they doing?!  
Morgan: Holy fuck, are they GRINDING?!  
Blake: *laughs* Oh my god, there are STRIPPERS in the background!  
Reid: Why would they be at a strip club?!  
Garcia: I DON'T KNOW BUT THIS IS SO AMAZING  
Blake: Should I be amused or mildly disturbed?  
Reid: I myself am both. *dabs at the spilled coffee with a napkin*  
*everyone stares at the video for a few more seconds, then bursts out laughing*  
Morgan: *pounding his fist on the desk* OH MY GOD, THIS IS PRICELESS!  
Blake: *wiping tears from her eyes* I CAN'T, I SERIOUSLY CAN'T  
Reid: *is laughing so hard that it stopped making noise, so now he’s just quietly wheezing*  
Garcia: YES, THIS IS THE BEST!  
JJ: OKAY, YES, ALRIGHT! But we can't let Hotch and Strauss know this exists! We could get fired... or shot... or maybe banished forever.  
Morgan: So what do we do then? I won't ever be able to look at them the same way again.  
Reid: *pulls himself up* Mmhmm. Realistically, since we've seen our superiors doing something like... THAT ... we probably won't be able to take them seriously again, let alone hold ourselves back from laughing when we look at them.  
Blake: Good point. So what should we do?  
Garcia: Pretend this doesn't exist?  
JJ: We're not superhuman, you know.  
Reid: Let's just think about a time when they yelled at us, that way we'll be able to suppress the memories of their sexual dancing.  
Morgan: Hey, that's not a bad idea!  
Garcia: Alright, so from now on, pretend that NOTHING. HAPPENED.  
*everyone agrees*  
Hotch: *enters the offices*  
JJ: Hey there, Hotch!  
Morgan: How's it goin', man?  
Reid: Wonderful weather we're having!  
Garcia: You look like you just stepped off the cloud of the GODS.  
Hotch: ...Yeah... We have a new case, meet me at the briefing in 5 minutes, alright?  
Reid: We'll be there.  
Hotch: Good. *walks away*  
*there's a pause*  
*everybody bursts out laughing again*

On The Jet

Blake: *is looking through the file*  
Reid: *whispers to her* So who do you think did it?  
Blake: Did what?  
Reid: Shhhh! *whispering* The video, filmed the video.  
Blake: Oh…! * quietly* Well, who is in the state of mind to bring two serious and important FBI officials to a strip club, get them drunk, then watch and laugh as they dance to Lady Marmalade?  
Reid: ...Rossi.  
Blake: Yes.  
Reid: But why?  
Blake: *folds her hands in her lap* Reid, wasn't it you who said to never question the behavior of a man who’s lost his mind?  
Reid: Fair point. But I'd still like to know.  
Blake: *snorts* Then call him.  
Reid: Good idea. *gets up and walks to the back room*  
Blake: ...I was being sarcastic, but okay.  
Reid: *shuts and locks the bathroom door, then speed dials Rossi*  
Rossi: *answers after 3 rings* Yola?  
Reid: Hey Rossi, it's me-  
Rossi: REID! How are ya, buddy?  
Reid: Fine, I guess... but this morning Garcia showed us a video-  
Rossi: Was it the one I posted?  
Reid: If that one happens to be Hotch and Strauss dancing at a strip club, then yes. Yes it is.  
Rossi: *laughs* HELL YEAH! How many views does it have?  
Reid: I don't-  
Rossi: Hold on, let me check.  
*there's the soft clatter of the phone being put down, followed by yelling, banging, and the squealing of what sounds like a pig*  
Rossi: MR. OINKERS! STOP EATING THE LILIES, THEY HAVE WIVES AND FAMILIES!  
*there's a very loud squealing noise, then silence*  
Reid: ...Rossi...?  
Rossi: ONE MILLION VIEWS! ALRIGHT! HIGH-5, MR, OINKERS!  
Reid: One million?!  
Rossi: OW! NO MR. OINKERS, BITING DADDY IS A NO-NO.  
JJ: *knocks on the door* Reid... you okay in there?  
Reid: Yeah, perfect...  
JJ: Well hurry up, I really have to pee!  
Reid: Okay, just give me a minute.  
JJ: *sighs* FINE  
Rossi: *picks up the phone again* Haha, did you hear that!? A million views!  
Reid: Yeah, that... that's great... but WHY?!  
Rossi: Because people are mindless and will lap up whatever ridiculous entertainment you happen to stick in their laps?  
Reid: No, I meant why did you FILM it…? Let alone bring our bosses to a strip club.  
Rossi: Ah, yes... I remember it like it was yesterday...  
Reid: Um, it WAS yesterday.  
Rossi: SHUT THE FUCK UP, IT'S STORY TIME. Anyway, I decided to pay you guys a visit…

~Flashback~

Strauss: I still don't understand why I wasn't informed sooner.  
Hotch: I figured the weasel incident would be a hint?  
Strauss: *sighs* Look, I understand that Rossi was a great agent, but was is exactly it. He's burned out, Hotchner.  
Hotch: Please, just give us a few more weeks to help him.  
Strauss: You're not doctors, you're profilers. You don't fix people, you find out how and why they broke.  
Hotch: I understand ma'am, but Rossi needs us. We're not just a team, we're a family.  
Strauss: I've learned that over the years, and I know you would fight to the death to help each other. But Aaron, we can't keep around an agent who's going to be so destructive to our names and property!  
Hotch: But-  
Strauss: I will make sure he's paid and comfortable until we send him away. For now he can stay at home-  
Rossi: *walks into the room* Sup, bitches!  
Strauss: ...Or barge into my office, the latter is fine as well. *rests her chin on her hand*  
Hotch: What are you doing here? You're supposed to be on probation!  
Rossi: Yeah, that means I can't come into work!  
Strauss: Agent, that is exactly what you're doing now.  
Rossi: No, I'm visiting. There's a difference.  
Strauss: *pinches the bridge of her nose* What do you want?  
Rossi: To show you killjoys some fun!  
Hotch: Fun?  
Rossi: HA! See, you're so deprived of fun you don't even know the meaning of the word!  
Hotch: *sighs*  
Strauss: Rossi, we're perfectly content sitting here and doing our paperwork for hours of the day, hours we could be spending with our families and actually having lives outside of cramped cubicles while our geeky co workers offer us those weird dairy tablets when they know good and well we've been lactose intolerant since the age of two.  
Hotch: ...Where to then?  
Strauss: No! We're not going ANYWHERE!  
Rossi: Oh, it's a surprise! Put on these blindfolds and meet me in my car! *runs out*  
Strauss: *sighs and looks at Hotch* Take your gun and shoot me. Just... do it. Don't hesitate. If they ask, it was suicide.

 

*a car covered in brambles and debris with a bird on the windshield pulls up to the curb*  
Strauss: *pulls her blindfold off, steps out, and immediately goes into an alley and throws up*  
*Hotch and Rossi get out*  
Hotch: I am never letting you drive again.  
Rossi: *shrugs* Why do you think I rarely drove before?  
Strauss: *walks back over and looks at the building* A strip club. You brought us to a strip club!?  
Rossi: They have guys too!  
Strauss: *groans loudly* See Hotch, THIS is why he needs to be admitted!  
Rossi: Admitted to where?  
Hotch: *covers Rossi's ears* This is an issue we will discuss later!  
Strauss: Fine.  
Rossi: *smiles* Your hands feel like Ov-Gloves.  
Hotch: *pulls them away*  
Rossi: Okay, now we have fun! *walks into the club*  
Hotch: *follows*  
Strauss: *sighs and walks in after them*  
Rossi: *walks up to the stage, dancing to the music*  
Hotch: Well... This isn't SO bad...  
Strauss: Are you kidding? Half the people in here are unconscious.  
Rossi: 'Ight, so this place is cool because they don't just have the strippers dance, you can dance too! *jumps up onto the table and starts rocking out*  
Hotch: *frowns and sits down*  
Strauss: God, it's like everybody has fruit in their underwear... even the men.  
Hotch: Don't worry. We'll humor him, just to get through this. If you want to go to the bathroom later and slip out the window or something, that'd be fine.  
Strauss: Alright, if you say so...  
*a scantily clad waitress walks over and puts two shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey on the table*  
Strauss: Oh, we didn't order anything.  
Waitress: Any guests of David Rossi get drinks on the house!  
Strauss: Why?  
Waitress: He has a membership.  
Hotch: Well okay... thank you.  
Waitress: You're welcome! *walks over to another table*  
Strauss: I don't even want to know what that means. *sips drink tentatively*  
Hotch: *shrugs and takes a shot*

20 Drinks Later 

Hotch: But I still don't get why pigs are like.. getting the short end of the stick. I mean, they can't get flying lessons or anything. And hell won't ever freeze over cause it's made of fire and hot stone... they don't even have WINTER.  
Strauss: *pats his shoulder* I'm feelin' ya Aaron, I'm feelin' ya...  
*Lady Marmalade starts playing*  
Hotch: *gets up, swaying* Hey, you wanna dance?  
Strauss: S-sure, why the fuck not? *gets up onto the table, pulling Hotch with her*  
*Rossi looks over to see Hotch and Strauss dancing on the table in a surprisingly sexual way*  
Rossi: Ooo... *pulls out his phone and starts taping them*

~End Flashback~

Rossi: And then I posted the video to YouTube, because why the fuck not?  
Reid: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  
JJ: *pounds on the door* REID, LET ME IN, I NEED TO PISS SO BAD I COULD CRY!  
Reid: OKAY, OKAY, I'LL BE OUT IN A SECOND!  
Rossi: *laughs* I love it when your voice gets all high.  
Reid: *sighs and runs a hand through his hair* Look, I need to go now.  
Rossi: Don't you want to talk to Mr. Oinkers!? He's a furry pig, I got him from a kindly Siberian gentlemen!  
Reid: No. Bye. *closes the phone, then opens up the door*  
JJ: *rushes in, pushes him out, then slams the door behind her*  
Reid: *walks over to his seat and slumps down*  
Morgan: You okay pretty boy? You were in there an awfully long time.  
Hotch: Yeah, I have some lax-  
Reid: Please stop talking.

*Morgan and Hotch walk into a large building*  
Clerk: May I help you?  
Hotch: Yes, I'm SSA Aaron Hotchner and this is SSA Derek Morgan, we need to ask you a few-  
Clerk: *gasps* I KNOW YOU!  
Hotch: Pardon?  
Clerk: *giggles and starts dancing around in her chair* Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister!  
Hotch: ...?  
Morgan: *laughs* Oh, yeah, but those days are behind him. Do you mind if we ask your boss a few questions?  
Clerk: Of course not, anything for a soul sister! Be right back! *runs away, giggling*  
Hotch: I think Mr. Andrews should have his employees drug-tested.  
Morgan: *rubs the back of his neck nervously*

*Reid and Hotch are walking over to a crime scene*  
Hotch: Are we sure this is the same killer?  
Officer One: Yup. Same bruising, same malnourishment, same Edger Allen Poe quotation.  
Reid: *bends over the body* Hmm... This time it was tattooed, not carved.  
Hotch: Think he's evolved?  
Reid: Either that or he has a copycat of some kind.  
*another officer comes up*  
Officer Two: *gasps* Hey, I saw you on YouTube!  
Hotch: What?  
Officer One: Wait... it is you! *laughs* I thought you just looked like the guy!  
Hotch: What guy?  
Officer Two: Do you know French?  
Reid: *snickers*  
Hotch: *glares at Reid* Do you know what they're talking about?  
Reid: *clears his throat* No sir, I know nothing of it. *pretends to be occupied with the body*  
Hotch: ...Right.

*Blake and JJ are sitting in the conference room*  
Blake: *is writing on the whiteboard*  
JJ: *giggles a bit*  
Blake: What are you laughing about?  
JJ: I just can't stop thinking about that video!  
Blake: Neither can I...  
JJ: Maybe we should watch it again, just to satisfy ourselves...?  
Blake: *frowns thoughtfully* Maybe.  
JJ: *pulls out her tablet and goes to YouTube*  
Blake: Hey, I didn't say YES!  
JJ: Come on, just ONCE?  
Blake: *sighs and smiles a bit* Oh alright, I guess just one more view wouldn't hurt.  
JJ: Yes! *pulls up the video*  
*they immediately start laughing at it*  
Hotch: *pokes his head in* OKAY, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S SO DAMN FUNNY!  
JJ: *jumps and turns off her tablet*  
Blake: What are you referring to?  
Hotch: All week long, people have been laughing at me behind my back and singing this cover of some damn pop song, but whenever I ask what the hell they're talking about, they play dumb!  
JJ: *sighs* We... we need to tell you something. *turns on the tablet*  
Blake: NO!  
JJ: *hands it to him before Blake tackles her to the ground*  
Hotch: *stares at the video with a blank expression*  
Blake: *glares at JJ*  
JJ: What?! He deserves to know!  
Hotch: *sits down at the table and puts down the tablet* How long.  
JJ: *swallows hard* About 5 days.  
Hotch: And you never told me!?  
Blake: *stands up and picks a piece of lint off her skirt* We didn't want to embarrass you.  
Hotch: *sighs*  
JJ: *crawls into the chair next to him* We're sorry sir, we just thought it was gonna be between the 6 of us.  
Hotch: Well how many views does it have now?  
Blake: *sits down on his other side* About 20... million.  
Hotch: *slams his head onto the table*  
JJ: Hotch...?  
Hotch: *muffled* Will I ever live this down?  
*at that moment a group of people (including Reid and Morgan) walk by, singing Lady Marmalade*  
Blake: When you're dead.  
Hotch: *sobs quietly*  
JJ: *pats his back*

Part Six: The Chinchilla 

*Reid, Morgan, Blake, and Garcia are in the conference room with Hotch*  
Hotch: Strauss agreed to give us a week, despite the... previous events.  
Reid: Just a week? How are we supposed to get him back to the way he was within a week?  
Hotch: I don't know, but we can try.  
Blake: *shakes her head* I don't think we can do it.  
Morgan: It's okay, we just have to keep him from doing anything stupid.  
Rossi: *struts in with a big leather bag* Hey hey hey!  
Morgan: Yeah, we're fucked.  
Blake: Hey David... what's in the bag?  
Rossi: The souls of a thousand kittens! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
*awkward silence*  
Rossi: I'm KIDDING, it's candy! *dumps out hundreds of individually wrapped caramel squares*  
Reid: Okay, one question: WHY.  
Rossi: Well, I figured the BAU needed a mascot, so I'm gonna melt these down and mold them into it!  
Hotch: Hmm. That's actually not a bad idea.  
Garcia: *gasps* Oooh, perfect! So what is it?  
Rossi: A chinchilla!  
*another awkward silence*  
Reid: ...A chinchilla?  
Rossi: Yeah! They are the most noble of the rodents!  
Blake: *shrugs* I can deal with it.  
Garcia: *nods* They ARE adorable...  
Rossi: Yay! * scrapes the candy back into the bag* TO THE MICROWAVE! *runs off*  
JJ: *sees him run past, and pokes her head into the conference room* Where is he going?  
Reid: He's about to melt hundreds of caramels in the microwave.  
JJ: ...Should I...?  
Blake: GO, GO NOW!  
JJ: *darts after him*  
Garcia: RUN JJ, RUN!  
Morgan: *clears his throat* So anyway, continuing: WE. ARE FUCKED.   
Hotch: We have it under control.  
*a little girl around 8 runs in*  
Hotch: Um... hello.  
Girl: *gives a little wave*  
Morgan: Hey there, sweet pea. What's your name?  
Girl: Vee. *sways forward and back slightly*  
Morgan: Well hi Vee, my name's Derek. *smiles*  
Vee: You're bald!  
Morgan: No... I shave my head.  
Vee: No, you're bald.  
Morgan: It's shaved!  
Vee: Bald.  
Morgan: Shaved.  
Vee: Bald!  
Morgan: Shaved!  
Vee: BALD!  
Morgan: SHAVED!  
*they get in each other's faces*  
Vee: BALDIE.  
Morgan: BRAT.  
Garcia: Guys, stop!  
Vee: *points to her* SHUT UP, YOU'RE FAT!  
Garcia: *gasps and clutches a hand to her chest*  
Hotch: *steps in front of her* That's enough, where is your mother?!  
Vee: I don't need to tell you! *sticks her tongue out at him*  
Hotch: *death glare* Where.  
Vee: *gulps* She's here! Cause she works here! And she's the best agent you have! So shut up, you're an idiot! *points to Morgan* And you're still bald! *points to Blake* And you're wrinkly! *points to Reid* And... well, you're actually cute. *waves her arms around* BUT THE REST OF YOU ARE BUTT FACES!  
Woman: *runs over* Oh, there you are Veronica! *scoops up the girl*  
Hotch: Your daughter shouldn't be here.  
Woman: I know, I'm sorry! But she didn't have school because the school has a power outage from the recent storm and I had to work today and her father is on a business trip and I couldn't find a sitter-  
Hotch: *holds a hand up* Alright, alright, she can stay. But please keep her away from the other agents and at your desk.  
Woman: *nods* Yes sir. *walks away with her daughter*  
Vee: *looks over her mother's shoulder and sticks her tongue out*  
Garcia: *sticks her's out right back*'  
Blake: Okay, I want to know why we're butt faces and Reid's cute.  
Hotch: It's called the Reid effect.  
Morgan: It also works on women and dogs.  
Blake: ...Okay?

3 Hours Later

Rossi: So I think it's a masterpiece!  
JJ: *laughs* I'm sure it is.  
Rossi: Here, I left it on my desk.  
*they walk into his office, revealing Vee standing there, eating a large caramel Chinchilla*  
Rossi: *gasps* MY FLUFFY SOUTH AMERICAN RODENT!  
Vee: *looks at him* What?  
JJ: *kneels down in front of her* Honey, that's something he worked very hard on, so if you could just put it down and-  
Vee: NO! *spits some out in her face*  
JJ: ...*wipes it off, her expression now cold*  
Rossi: *shoves JJ out of the way and looks the girl in the eyes* LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT, WHAT YOU ARE EATING IS MY MODEL OF THE MIGHTY CHINCHILLA, TERROR OF THE DUSTING BOWL, DEVOURER OF THE TIMOTHY HAY, AND MY FUCKING MASTERPIECE. SO PUT IT DOWN BEFORE I THROTTLE YOU UNTIL YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LITTLE PILE OF POND SCUM ON MY FLOOR. CAPICHE?!  
Vee: ...Your goatee makes you look like someone's evil twin.  
Rossi: THAT’S IT *is about the smack her*  
Hotch: *walks over* What's going on here?  
Rossi: She ate my chinchilla!  
JJ: She spit mushy caramel in my face!  
Vee: Why is everybody always pickin on me!? *stomps her foot*  
Rossi: *looks at her in disbelief* ...Because you're a BITCH?  
Hotch: STOP. I'll handle this. *grabs the girl by her arm and drags her away*  
Rossi: *picks up the remnants of his sculpture* She ate his face off. THAT MONSTER!  
JJ: It's okay, Rossi. We can rebuild him!  
Rossi: Yeah.. I guess...  
JJ: Now come on, let's go melt more caramels.

Hotch: *charges down the stairs, still pulling the girl*  
Vee: OW OW OW! YOU'RE HURTING ME!  
Hotch: *shoves her to her mother* KEEP. THIS GIRL. BY YOUR DESK. She has been taunting my agents all day long!  
Woman: Not my sweet little Vee!  
Hotch: YES YOUR SWEET LITTLE VEE. Now get your shit together before I call Strauss down. *walks over to Reid’s desk*  
Reid: *puts down his papers* Wow Hotch, that was really... hateful.  
Hotch: Well, you people are my family. And nobody, not even a child, gets away with hurting my family. Plus, she called Garcia fat. Do you know how taboo that is?!  
Reid: Yeah... it actually really is.  
Hotch: *sits down with a huff* I'm going to stay here all day and keep an eye on them.  
Reid: Okay then. *keeps doing his paperwork*  
Blake: *walks over* We have a case.  
Hotch: Dammit...  
Blake: Don't worry, it's local, and we have enough information to make the profile a no-brainer. It’s oddly convenient, almost like someone is setting up a perfect joke or something like that. Something they giggle about at night.  
Hotch: *sighs* Alright. *stands up*  
Blake: Are you okay?  
Hotch: Is it normal to hate a child?  
Reid: Psychologically no, because our brains have been programmed throughout time to make out certain features of babies and children to be cute, thus provoking a parental instinct. This was a survival strategy used to basically keep other members of groups watching offspring that weren't even theirs, no matter how annoying it happened to be. But now since this instinct is not very much needed anymore considering how we're in a very modern and industrious society, it isn't abnormal or wrong to not like certain children, or children in general. *notices that Blake and Hotch have walked away* ...Rude. *goes back to work*

Rossi: *smiles and puts down his utensils* There. You'd never know he was partially consumed by an 8 year old!  
Morgan: But it's so… misproportioned.  
*the head is in fact a golf ball sized bud on the large sculpture’s body*  
Rossi: I only had a few caramels left, okay?!  
Morgan: I see... well, does he have a name?  
Rossi: Do unicorns fart rainbows!?  
Morgan: Uh...  
Rossi: His name is Dr. Perkins Tiny-Head. Or Perky, for short.  
Morgan: *chuckles* Perky, huh?  
Rossi: Yes, Perky. Like a fine pair of breasts. *pats Perky's head*  
Hotch: Come on Morgan, we have to move.  
Morgan: *puts a hand on Rossi's shoulder* We're going out to make an arrest, okay? Stay out of trouble.  
Rossi: Kay. *carves a little more out of Perky's ear*  
Morgan: Good. *walks off with the rest of the team*  
Rossi: BYE MA BITCHES! *waves, then starts cleaning off his tools*  
Vee: *walks up behind him* That looks dumb.  
Rossi: *turns around* What?  
Vee: Your thinger. It looks dumb.  
Rossi: *scoffs* You look dumb. I mean seriously, colored skinny jeans are SO last year.  
Vee: *kicks him in the shin and runs away*  
Rossi: HEY, COME BACK HERE! *runs after her*  
Vee: *darts in between the cubicles*  
Rossi: *follows clumsily, knocking over cups and flinging papers into the air*  
Vee: *throws down a garbage can in his way*  
Rossi: *sees it* I AM A GAZZEELLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEE *jumps over it*  
Vee: *glares, then darts into a room, slamming the door behind her*  
Rossi: *skids to a stop and starts pounding on it* COME OUT HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN, YOU LITTLE SHIT!  
Agent: Um...  
Rossi: *turns around to see everybody looking at him across the messy room*  
Agent: *taps his foot*  
Rossi: *sighs, and starts picking up the papers*  
Vee: *slips out while he's still cleaning*

5 Minutes Later

Rossi: *sits down at his spot, and notices Perky is gone* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CHINCHILLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A!  
Vee: If you want him, come and get him! *waves him in the air*  
Rossi: *glares* This. Is. War! *runs at her*  
Vee: *throws Perky up in the air, and he gets stuck to the ceiling*  
Rossi: *gasps and throws a hand over his mouth*  
Vee: *smirks*  
Rossi: *slowly looks down at her*  
Vee: ...?  
Rossi: *smiles* I am going to fucking murder you.  
Vee: ..Oh no. *runs off*  
Rossi: *quickly catches her, covering her mouth*  
Vee: *squirms*  
Rossi: *walks over to another agent* Hey, do you know the address the BAU went to?  
Agent: Yeah... 34 24 Marcus Street. Why?  
Rossi: THANKS! *runs away*  
Vee: *looks up at him, wide-eyed*  
Rossi: *walks outside, throwing her in the trunk of his car*  
Vee: HEY-  
Rossi: *shuts the trunk, then walks around the the driver's side*  
Vee: *muffled* What are you doing, you butt face!?  
Rossi: *slams the door and starts up the car*  
Vee: *there's pounding* My mommy's gonna shoot you in the head!  
Rossi: Mmhmm... *drives off*

*they soon arrive at an old barn outside the city*  
Rossi: *climbs out, opens the trunk, and grabs Vee*  
Vee: I CAN SCREAM REALLY LOUDLY! *starts screaming*  
Rossi: *covers her mouth again and walks to the barn*  
*many agents including the rest of the team are there, pointing their guns at a man who has a knife to a young woman's throat*  
Rossi: *opens the doors with a loud bang* 'Scuse me, pardon me, sup guys, just doing some business, nice jacket! *pulls the woman out of the unsub's grasp and replaces her with Vee*  
Vee: *is paralyzed with fear*  
Rossi: Have fun getting shot! *walks back through the crowd* Sorry, excuse me, I like your hat, has anyone ever told you how attractive you look in a bullet-proof vest?  
Hotch: DAMMIT, ROSSI!  
Rossi: *shuts the doors behind him*  
*there's a minute or so of commotion, then shots are fired*  
Rossi: YES!  
*an agent walks out, carrying Vee*  
Rossi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Hotch: *walks up to Rossi, and grabs him by the arms* WE WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS. THIS WILL NEVER BE REPORTED. BUT ROSSI, YOU WENT TO FUCKING FAR THIS TIME. *lets go and walks away*  
Rossi: ...And a wonderful night to you too, friend!  
JJ: *shakes her head* Why did you do that? Hell, why didn't I do that?!  
Morgan: Did you see the look on her face!? IT WAS PRICELESS!  
Blake: That was like the video of Hotch and Strauss, but with guns and violence!  
Reid: She deserved it, in my opinion.  
Rossi: *gasps* REALLY?! YOU'RE NOT MAD?!  
Morgan: Well, you did endanger the lives of all of us, the hostage, and that child but... whatever.  
Blake: We're honestly not surprised.  
Rossi: ...I love you guys.  
JJ: Aww, we love you too, you crazy Italian bastard!  
*group hug*  
Rossi: *pulls away* So wait, where's the girl now?  
*they look over to see Vee rocking back and forth on the ground, a blanket wrapped around her*  
Reid: Oh jeez, she's traumatized.  
Rossi: ...Think I went too far?  
Reid: ...Nah.  
Rossi: YES! *jumps in the air*

Back In The Offices

JJ: *whispering with Hotch* But she deserved it!  
Hotch: Whether or not she deserved it isn't a factor in this. David went way too far, plain and simple.  
JJ: *sighs* So you don't want to help him?  
Hotch: *shakes his head and looks at Rossi, who's dancing and singing with the others*  
Rossi:  
When I walk in the BAU, this is what I see  
I see lots of unsubs fleeing from me  
I got profiling in my genes, and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it!  
I'm Rossi and I know it  
Hotch: Does he NOT belong in a mental hospital!? Strauss was right; we diagnose problems, we don't fix them.  
Blake: *frowns*  
Strauss *walks in, holding Perky* Can someone please explain why there was a lump of dirty caramel on the floor?  
Rossi: DR. TINY-HEAD! *runs over and hugs him*  
Strauss: ...Right. *looks at Hotch and JJ*  
JJ: *looks down*  
Hotch: *stares at her with a hard expression*  
Strauss: *glances at Rossi*  
Rossi: *holds up Perky* BEHOLD OUR ADORABLE, DUSTY MASCOT!  
Strauss: *closes her eyes and nods*

Part Seven: The Takeover

*the team is sitting on someone’s couch, watching a news show*  
Reporter: *while standing outside the FBI building, which is surrounded by police and SWAT, as well as FBI agents of other jurisdictions* Isn't this a sight? It has been one week since the FBI headquarters were taken over by who witnesses describe to be "some goateed Italian dude". Agents who work in the building have yet to figure out the true identity of this man, as well as what his motives are. There were reports of strange boxes labeled "LIVE" and "PLEASE HANDLE WITH CARE" being delivered only days before the attack, but the FBI has yet to discover if they have something to do with this bizarre takeover. I'll keep you posted on any updates from the agents. Todd?  
Todd: Thanks, Ida. In other news-  
Hotch: *mutes the TV*  
Morgan: Well fuck, I guess we're not gonna get this guy out any time soon.  
Hotch: Stop calling him "that guy". It's obviously Rossi.  
JJ: Hey, it could be another person entirely. Who knows?  
Hotch: *scoffs* Yeah, and exactly how many goateed Italian men live in D.C?  
Reid: 345, not counting Rossi.  
Morgan: *holds up his hand for a high-5*  
Reid: ...*bumps his fist against it*  
Morgan: You and I need to have a serious talk.  
Hotch: I don't care, it HAS to be Rossi!  
JJ: 20 bucks says it isn't.  
Hotch: ...You're on.  
Blake: *walks into the living room wearing pajamas and a sleep mask, rubbing her eyes* What the hell are you guys doing here?! It's 3am!  
Morgan: So what are you doing up?  
Blake: *groans* I came down to get some crackers and water.  
JJ: Well then you're out of luck.  
Blake: Why?  
JJ: We.. sort of ate all the crackers.  
Blake: *sighs*  
JJ: Sorry, hon.  
Blake: Chips. I'll have chips, then.  
JJ: We ate those too.  
Blake: ..Cereal?  
JJ: Morgan's working on the last bowl of that.  
Morgan: *waves to her with a spoon in his hand*  
Blake: Cheez-Its?!  
Reid: *slowly puts the last one in his mouth* Heh.  
Blake: Peanuts?!  
Hotch: I actually ate all of those...  
Blake: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL ME YOU AT LEAST DIDN'T TOUCH THE HAZELNUT SPREAD!  
Garcia: *walks in, eating the spread out of the jar*  
Blake: *twitches*  
Garcia: Oh... Blake... this is YOUR house? I thought it was my neighbor's... heheh.  
Blake: *unimpressed glare*  
Garcia: *looks at the jar, then back to Blake* This is knock-off Nutella, I'm very disappointed in you.  
Blake: *snatches the jar away*  
Garcia: *runs over to the couch and sits down*  
Blake: *stands in front of the TV* What God did I piss off for this to happen?  
Hotch: Well, as you know, the headquarters are being seized by Rossi-  
JJ: -a goateed Italian dude.  
Hotch: Whatever. The point is, it was either here or Reid's house.  
Blake: *looks over at Reid*  
Reid: *raises up his hands* I'm not letting them near my food...  
Blake: *sighs* FINE. Just... just stop eating my food.  
Morgan: No promises.  
Blake: *shakes her head and perches on the edge of the couch* Seriously, did I murder someone in a past life, or...?  
Reid: OH! Hotch, un-mute the TV!  
Hotch: *un-mutes it*  
Reporter: -now the man has come out under the terms that he gets churros and two tickets to see Finding Dory from Ellen herself. Strangely enough, he climbed out through the window. This seems to be because a mysterious green substance has grown over the front doors, and some agents claim it to be vines-  
Rossi: *jumps in front of her* Wassup, America!  
Reid: Dear God.  
Hotch: *looks over at JJ*  
JJ: ...That looks NOTHING like Rossi.  
Rossi: I'd like to give a shoutout to my best friends in the whole wide world, Penelope Garcia, Alex Blake, Jennifer Jarau, Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan...  
Hotch: You were saying?  
JJ: *bows her head*  
Rossi: ...And of course the very best like no one ever was, the man who's stuck with me through thick and thin, Aaron Hotchner! You're awesome, pal-  
Hotch: *turns off the TV* Let's go.  
Blake: But-  
Hotch: NOW. *walks out*  
Blake: Aren't we all in our pajamas?  
Reid: *shrugs* That doesn't seem to be stopping him.  
Blake: Alright.  
*the team follows him*

Part Eight: The Jungle

Reporter: Well you heard it here, folks! The man was SSA David Rossi, a member of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit-  
Hotch: *runs over and grabs the microphone*  
Reporter: What the?!  
Hotch: As a member of the BAU I can assure you that this situation will be contained as soon as possible, and that Rossi will be sent to the nearest mental asylum.  
Reporter: Yeah... *takes back the microphone and shoves Hotch out of the way* Todd?  
Hotch: *stumbles back into the team*  
Morgan: *catches him by the arm* Oh you did NOT just do that.  
Hotch: *pulls away from him* I had to, for the sake of our team's reputation.  
JJ: Look, we're already standing out in the rain in our pajamas at 3:30 in the morning. What do we have to lose?  
Reid: JJ's right, we need to focus on Rossi.  
Hotch: Have you caught his crazy?!  
Reid: You can't "catch"-  
Hotch: THIS TEAM IS FALLING APART DUE TO ROSSI ANTICS! IF WE CAN'T PULL OURSELVES TOGETHER AND GET RID OF HIM, THEN WE'LL BE KICKED OFF THE FUCKING BUREAU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!  
JJ: ...  
Garcia: *tears up*  
Morgan: *takes her hand*  
Reid: *crosses his arms* We're getting Rossi.  
Hotch: Yeah, and then we're going to stick him in a mental hospital.  
JJ: But-  
Hotch: BUTTS ARE FOR STRIP CLUBS  
Blake: What should we do? Arrest him?  
Hotch: Get him a straightjacket is more like it...  
Reid: Get Rossi home, then fix whatever mess he's made inside HQ.  
Garcia: Ooo, we call it HQ now? How Marvely.  
Morgan: *laughs* Yeah, we're superheroes!  
JJ: Huh! If we were superheroes, what would our powers be?  
Morgan: Super strength, definitely.  
Reid: Telekinesis.  
JJ: Super speed!  
Garcia: BEING TOO SEXY TO LIVE  
Blake: Can we focus?!  
Garcia: Right. Sorry.  
Hotch: Let's just find Rossi first, which will be-  
Rossi: SUP YA'LL  
Hotch: -easier than I thought.  
Garcia: Hey Rossi!  
Morgan: Sup, man?  
Rossi: *gasps* Why are you all in your pajamas? ARE WE HAVING A SLEEPOVER?! *grins*  
Hotch: NO. We were up all night waiting for you to get your ass out of there.  
Rossi: ...*pushes Hotch's lips up into a smile*  
Hotch: *is still glaring*  
Rossi: OH, YOU GUYS WANNA SEE THE THING I MADE?!  
Reid: What thing?  
Rossi: COME LOOK *takes his hand* ...GOD, YOU HANDS ARE SOFT. Which lotion brand do you use?  
Reid: UHHH  
Rossi: *sniffs his hand* Smells like coco butter.  
JJ: Um, the thing?  
Rossi: RIGHT. *lets go of Reid* FOLLOW ME *runs to the building*  
Reid: ...*wipes his hand on his pants*

Rossi: We have to use the window because the vines blocked up the door. Those things grow FAST!  
*climbs up to one of the windows*  
Morgan: *looks in through the glass on the doors*  
Reid: See anything?  
Morgan: Naw, just green.  
JJ: Must be the vines.  
Morgan: No shit, Sherlock.  
JJ: Fuck off, Watson.  
Rossi: FOLLOW ME, MY PRETTIES *opens the window and climbs inside*  
Blake: Should we...?  
Garcia: *shrugs*  
Hotch: *quickly climbs up after him*  
Garcia: ...If we were superheroes, Hotch would be Spiderman. But angry. And LOUD.  
Reid: Nah, I actually think he’d be Batman.  
Garcia: OOO YES THAT FITS HIM SO WELL  
*the team follows, climbing in to see the offices over-grown with plants, and weird sounds emerging from deeper inside the building*  
Morgan: What... the... FUCK.  
Hotch: I'm gonna have an aneurism...  
JJ: What did you do?!  
Rossi: WELCOME TO ROSSI-LAND! A jungle paradise!  
Blake: *laughs* Good God, how did you make this so fast?  
Rossi: I infused some weird steroids I got into the Miracle-Grow. Then everything just happened from there.  
Morgan: Where'd you get the steroids?  
Rossi: The Black Market. They got some crazy shit up in there, I'm tellin ya...  
Hotch: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!  
Rossi: Relax, man. I just wanted to make you happy.  
Hotch: BY TURNING OUR WORKPLACE INTO THE AMAZON RAINFOREST?!  
Rossi: HEY. I was going for more of a Madagascar look.  
Hotch: *groans and sits down*  
Rossi: I'd get up if I were you. That's where the hissing cockroaches like to hang out.  
Hotch: ...*slowly gets up*  
Reid: How many species of flora and fauna are in here? *examines a leaf*  
Rossi: Crazy genius says WHA?  
Morgan: How much of this shit do you have?  
Rossi: OH! Well, I got lots of boxes, so... lots. My Black Market friends provide great services! Anyway, time to rule. *snaps his fingers*  
Blake: What do you mean?  
Rossi: Oh, some people were still here when I started, so I made them by personal slaves.  
*two men and two women run over with a throne, and set it down*  
Rossi: *sits in it* Raise me, my fair subjects!  
*the four grunt and lift it back up*  
Rossi: *claps his hands twice*  
*they start to walk away with him*  
Reid: This is too surreal.  
Garcia: Think he can get those guys to feed me grapes?  
Rossi: Well don't just stand there like a bunch of wide-eyed chucklefucks, follow me!  
Hotch: ...Somebody please kill me.  
Reid: Sorry, I don't have my gun.  
Hotch: YOU'RE USELESS  
Reid: *frowns* I was being-  
Hotch: UGH, I DON’T CARE *runs off*  
JJ: Somebody's a grumpy teen tonight.  
Morgan: Aren't you the Legolas of the team today.  
Reid: *grins*  
Morgan: Oh don't get your hopes up, pretty boy. I only know about it from the internet.  
Reid: Aww...  
*the rest of the team follows Rossi*  
*they enter the conference room, which is now full of plants, tropical birds, and butterflies*  
Garcia: It's so... beautiful. *smiles*  
Blake: I guess he really did want to make us happy. I mean, all this is... wow.  
Rossi: Come my friends, sit by the fire!  
*there's a bonfire where the table used to be*  
*a loud animal call echoes through the walls*  
Morgan: *jumps*  
JJ: Wha...  
Rossi: Oh, that's just Julian. He's a howler monkey! I'll go get him for ya. *runs out*  
Reid: Am I the only one who feels a tad unsettled by all this?  
JJ: I do too. It's... BIZARRE. It's the most bizarre thing he's done yet!  
Garcia: No, that's when he set the copy machine on fire… without even touching it.  
Blake: *picks up a stick insect* I don't know, this is even stranger.  
Hotch: *is curled up in the corner* Don't worry Aaron, this is all a dream... you'll wake up on Blake's couch and everything will be normal...  
Morgan: All I know is that at this rate, Hotch is gonna be the one needing mental help.  
Rossi: *walks in with claw marks on his face* I forgot Julian hates me.  
Blake: ...Do you need anything for those cuts?  
Rossi: Nah, they're not bleeding. Just painful and dirty.  
Blake: Oh... okay...  
Rossi: Anyway, who wants some grub!? *claps his hands*  
Reid: *crosses his fingers* Please don't mean that literally, please don't mean that literally...  
*a woman walks out and sets a plate of fruit in front of each team member*  
Reid: Ooo...  
Garcia: AMAZING!  
Morgan: What is this? *pops a cherry in his mouth*  
Rossi: Mango, watermelon, papaya, cherries, grapes, pineapple, and a bit of carrot stuck in there somewhere. Just to fuck with you.  
JJ: It's delicious!  
Rossi: Heh, I know! *sits back down on his throne* ...Wait Blake, ARE any of my cuts bleeding?  
Blake: *sticks a mango slice in her mouth* They look fine to me. Why?  
Rossi: Oh, good. Bleeding attracts the jaguars.  
Blake: Oh...  
Garcia: ...Should we close the door?  
Rossi: Yeah... *claps his hands* Steven, close that shit up and lock it.  
Steven: *nods and shuts the door*  
Rossi: *clears his throat* Anyway... let us sing the Rossi-land anthem!  
Reid: And that would be...?  
Rossi: IS THIS THE REAL LIFE, IS THIS JUST FANTASY...  
Morgan: *laughs* CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE, WITH NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY  
JJ: OPEN YOUR EYES, LOOK UP TO THE SKIES AND SEEEEE  
Rossi: Take it away, Hotch!  
Hotch: *keeps staring at the wall*  
Blake: ...Hotch?  
Hotch: *still stares, wide-eyed*  
Reid: Are you okay?!  
Hotch: *stays unresponsive*  
Rossi: *sniffles and wipes away a tear* He has the most beautiful voice…

JJ: So then I was like, "Well communists have no class either!"  
*everyone bursts out laughing*  
Rossi: ...I don't get it.  
*there's a knock*  
Voice: THIS IS THE POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP  
Reid: What the...?  
*the door bursts open, revealing several armed police officers*  
Officer: You're under arrest for disturbing the peace!  
Blake: Aw come on, is my singing really THAT bad? *laughs*  
Morgan: Yes.  
Blake: *gives him a sharp look*  
Officer 2: You've also been charged with breaking and entering, harboring illegal substances, animal cruelty, several human rights violations, seizing a federal building, and releasing cockroaches into a building. Come quietly and there won't be any trouble.  
Reid: That last one isn't even technically against the law, though-  
*another officer yanks him up*  
Reid: HEY  
Officer 3: *cuffs him* Anybody else have smart shit to say?  
Reid: *pouts*  
Rossi: ...All for resisting arrest say I!  
Team: I!  
Rossi: LET'S KICK SOME NOODLES *runs at one of the officers*  
Officer 3: *calmly tases him*  
Rossi: *falls the the floor*  
JJ: ...Well that was unexpected.  
Morgan: *looks at her* STOP IT  
Officer: ANYONE ELSE WANT TROUBLE?!  
*everyone shakes their heads*  
Officer: Good. Now like I said, you're all under arrest. Fellas, take these chucklefucks to the car.  
Rossi: HEY, CHUCKLEFUCKS IS MY WORD!  
Officer 3: *tazes him again*  
Reid: *glares* That wasn't needed! He wasn't resisting! Besides, you haven’t even read us our rights-  
Officer 2: Shut the fuck up, ya geek wad.  
Reid: ...I'm totally suing you guys.  
Officer 2: Tell it to the judge.  
Blake: But we are the judge.  
Officer 2: ...Wait, what?  
Officer 3: They're the judges?!  
Officer 2: I guess so...  
Officer: But if they're the judges, what does that make us?  
Rossi: WEINER DOGS!  
Officer: *clears his throat*  
*the rest of the officers taze all of them*  
Rossi: I think… I think… I know why they’re doing this…  
JJ: Why is it…?  
Rossi: They’re prejudiced towards Morgan, because he’s Jewish…  
Morgan: ….What?

Reporter: The story isn't over yet, folks. It's been four hours since the BAU disappeared back inside the building with Agent Rossi. It appears he may have murdered them. With an axe, in this reporter's opinion.  
Officer: *pulls Rossi along*  
Reporter: *gasps* There's a perp now! *runs over* David, is there anything you have to say to the people watching?!  
Rossi: Uh... *thinks hard for a second* ...Ohmygod.  
Reporter: Pardon?  
Rossi: I get the joke!  
Reporter: ...?  
Rossi: JJ, I GET YOUR JOKE!  
JJ: WELL IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!  
Reporter: O...kay... anyway, this case seems to be shut tight! The whole BAU has been arrested! What'll happen to them? Todd?  
Todd: I don't know, and I honestly don't give a damn! Anyway, we have breaking news about-

Strauss: *mutes the TV* OH. MY. GOD.

Part Nine: The Prision

*Enter a prison, where Rossi and Hotch sit in one cell with Reid in a cell to their right, and Morgan across from them*  
Hotch: I always had a feeling it would come to this...  
Rossi: Oh come on, this could be the best experience ever! I mean, we have perfect movie material right here.  
Hotch: Are you kidding? This is going to be MISERABLE. None of us can survive prison.  
*there's a bang from the other cell*  
Morgan: NO YOU LISTEN UP PUNK I GET THE TOP BED AND NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME OTHERWISE  
*quiet sobbing*  
Hotch: ...Okay, maybe Morgan. But DEFINITELY not Reid.  
Reid: Hey!  
Rossi: Look, just because Reid's a kitten doesn't mean we can't make this a fun experience.  
Hotch: Rossi, we're in PRISON.  
Rossi: No shit, Sherlock.  
Reid: DON'T EVEN MENTION THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE  
Rossi: ...?  
Hotch: BBC.  
Rossi: Ah.  
Hotch: Anyway, what about HIS cellmate?  
Rossi: *shrugs* Maybe he'll just get a drug dealer or something.  
*two guards walk over, leading along a huge guy covered in tattoos*  
Rossi: ...Maybe he's going into the cell on our other side...?  
Hotch: *glares at him*  
Guard: Here you go, pal. *shoves him into Reid's cell*  
Hotch: You were saying?  
Reid: ...Is this even allowed?  
Guard: *shrugs and locks the door*  
Rossi: Don't worry Reid, I bet he's a teddy bear!  
Reid: ...Hey...  
Inmate: *glares* Talk to me and I will tie your spine in a knot!  
Reid: *whimpers* Morgan!  
Morgan: HEY IF YOU EVEN LAY A FINGER ON HIM I WILL SENT YOUR RATCHET ASS STRAIGHT TO HELL  
Inmate: ...Ratchet?  
Hotch: Ratchet?  
Rossi: *snickers*  
Hotch: *rolls his eyes* Us aside, what about the girls?  
Rossi: Oh, they'll have even more fun!

*in a women's prison just across the way*  
JJ: I WANT A LAWYER! AND A PHONE CALL!  
Guard: Shut up!  
JJ: SHOVE THAT "SHUT UP" UP YOUR ASS I AM EXERCISING MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHTS  
Blake: Calm down-  
JJ: I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!  
Blake: Jennifer!  
JJ: I AM IN A FUCKING PRISON DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT SOME OF THESE OTHER BITCHES DID I BET THEY'RE THUGS AND RAPISTS AND MURDERS AND DRUG DEALERS AND THE OCCASIONAL SINGLE MOTHER WHO SKIPPED OUT ON HER TAXES ONE TOO MANY TIMES  
Blake: Isn't that what most people in prison are?  
JJ: QUIT TRYING TO BRING LOGIC INTO THIS ALEX, THERE IS NO LOGIC IN WAR  
Blake: *sighs*  
Guard: For God's sake, could you get her to shut up?!  
JJ: YOU SHUT UP

*down the hall*  
Garcia: *rocking back and forth on the bed* There's no place like home there's no place like home there's no place like home...  
Cellmate: *grabs her arm* Dude, you've only been here like 5 minutes, calm your tits.  
Garcia: Bu-bu-bu-bu-  
Cellmate: *slaps her*  
Garcia: ...Thanks. BUT I'M LOCKED IN A PRISON WITH A BUNCH OF BAD PEOPLE... no offense.  
Cellmate: None taken. And it's no big deal, you get used to it. And if you're lucky, someone will come bail you out.  
Garcia: Do you think my boyfriend will send me a cake with digging tools in it?!  
Cellmate: ...That's not what I meant.  
Garcia: Oh. Well, still, I'm not built for prison! I'm in the FBI for Christ's sake!  
Cellmate: *shakes her head* Just chill.  
Garcia: ...I can't help but think you're in here on some marijuana related charge.  
Cellmate: You've got it. *extends a hand* I'm Christina, but you can call me Chris.  
Garcia: *shakes it* Penelope.  
Chris: Nice to meet ya. Anyway, I've got your back. I mean places like this? Pff, you can establish your dominance within the week.  
Garcia: You mean I have to...? *gestures with her hands*  
Chris: No... NO! God no! Just, ya know, show those other chucklefucks who's boss. Push some ladies around, pick a few fights, and soon you'll be King- er, Queen -of cellblock E, and soon the whole prison!  
Garcia: You are a wise and noble stoner.  
Chris: *smirks*

*in the men's prison the next morning*  
Rossi: This food is delicious!  
Hotch: This food is DISGUSTING.  
Rossi: Meh, so is that guy's B.O, but it's here so I'll take it.  
Guy next to him: *glares*  
Hotch: *smiles apologetically* Heh, sorry. *hisses to Rossi* Are you out of your fucking mind?!  
Rossi: What? Prison is the perfect place to unleash your sarcasm without fear of getting the shit beaten out of you.  
Hotch: There are always places where they can gang up on you and stab you in the neck with a toothbrush shank.  
Rossi: It would be SOOO worth it though!  
Hotch: *sighs* Why do I even bother...  
Reid: *walks over* Hello.  
Hotch: Hi.  
Reid: *sits down*  
Rossi: You look like you didn't sleep.  
Reid: That's because I did not.  
Hotch: Neither did I.  
Reid: Nerves?  
Hotch: Not that so much as THIS ASSHOLE KEPT TALKING ALL NIGHT  
Rossi: *looks up with a mouthful of food* ...What?  
Morgan: *walks over, looking at his food carefully*  
Rossi: And now The Freakshow Four is complete!  
Reid: Pardon?  
Rossi: OH, that's are new gang name.  
Morgan: Why don't you just let me deal with all the gang shit, okay?  
Rossi: *snorts* Nah, I'm the leader. Just like I was the pimp and the guy who drives the clown car.  
Hotch: *rolls his eyes*  
Reid: We're gonna die.  
Morgan: Not if I can help it.  
Rossi: *gives Morgan a look and pretends his hand is a cellphone* Hello, 911? Yes, I'd like to report a murder, this guy's killing my vibe.  
Morgan: *gets up and walks away*  
Rossi: ...*points to Morgan's food* You think he still wants that?

*back in the women's prison, in the exercise yard*  
Blake: This is actually kind of pleasant. I just wish I had a book...  
JJ: *curls around her* ARE YOU KIDDING ME THEY ALL WANT TO KILL US *whispers intensely* All of them...  
Blake: You CANNOT handle stress. At all.  
Garcia: Wassup! *runs over to them*  
JJ: *narrows her eyes* Did Garcia catch Rossi's crazy?  
Blake: ...  
Garcia: *is wearing a bandanna and has several new tattoos*  
Blake: ...Yes.  
Garcia: Hey there, hoes!  
Blake: What in the hell are you doing?  
Garcia: Asserting my dominance!  
Blake: What?  
Garcia: It's really the only way to survive prison.  
JJ: Are those tattoos?  
Garcia: Yeah! *holds out her arm* Pretty badass, huh?  
JJ: *licks her thumb and rubs one of them off*  
Garcia: OH NO, MY ROSE!  
Chris: *walks over and gives Garcia a weird look* ...What's with the lesbian and the schizoid?  
Blake: What?!  
JJ: WHAT  
Garcia: They're my friends.  
Chris: No, not in prison. You know what we call girls like that?  
Garcia: No, what?  
Chris: Dog meat. They're gonna be left for the dogs. Now c'mon. *pulls Garcia away*  
Garcia: BYE GUYS SEE YOU AT DINNER  
Blake: *sighs and stares at the clock*  
JJ: What do we do now? THEY'VE TAKEN GARCIA, BLAKE! THEY HAVE TAKEN OUR BABY  
Blake: I don't know about you, but I'm just going to count down the minutes until Strauss GETS US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.  
Inmate: SHUT UP, HO!  
Blake: YOU SHUT UP  
JJ: *pats her arm* Good girl.

One Week Later

*at the men's prison*  
Strauss: I can't believe you kept them with the heavy duty felons, I should sue you!  
Guard: *snorts* Last I checked David Rossi was a pretty heavy duty felon.  
Strauss: He's never raped, murdered, nor dealt drugs.  
Guard: The first two I buy, but the last one? Is that true?  
Strauss: Yes!  
Guard: ..Huh.  
*a slumped over Hotch is lead over*  
Strauss: How are you, Aaron?  
Hotch: Tired.  
Strauss: That's understandable.  
Hotch: No, not tired tired, tired of HIM.  
*Rossi is lead over*  
Rossi: So anyway, then the guy is like "That's not a hat, it was a pine nut the whole time!" *bursts into laughter*  
Strauss: ...I see.  
Rossi: What's up, KETCHUP?  
Strauss: Don't make me leave you here.  
*Morgan is lead over calmly*  
Morgan: Hey.  
Strauss: Hi. You're pretty calm.  
Morgan: *shrugs* Prison is nothing I can't handle.  
*Reid is lead over*  
Reid: Excuse me, could you stop pushing so hard...?  
Guard: *grunts*  
Morgan: *whirls around* YOU'D BETTER LOOSEN YOUR GODDAMNED GRIP RIGHT NOW BEFORE I SKIN YOU AND WEAR YOU LIKE A COAT  
Guard: *promptly lets Reid go*  
Reid: Thank you.  
Morgan: *nods*  
Strauss: ...I'm not surprised.

*at the women's prison*  
*Blake is lead over*  
Strauss: How are you?  
Blake: It's about damn time you got here! I've never felt so humiliated in all my life! Why, just the other day I was in the cafeteria and...  
Strauss: *sighs and tunes her out*  
*JJ is lead over*  
JJ: OH THANK THE BABY JESUS *breaks free of the guard and kisses Strauss's shoes*  
Strauss: *steps back* Agent Jareau, PLEASE.  
JJ: NO SERIOUSLY I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU I WILL CLEAN YOUR HOUSE WASH YOUR CAR MOW YOUR LAWN I WILL EVEN GIVE YOU A SPONGE BATH JUST ASK  
Strauss: ...I um… I appreciate it?  
*Garcia is lead over, wearing the bandana, a fohawk, several more tattoos, and a fake beauty mark*  
Garcia: GUCCI GUCCI LOUIS LOUIS FENDI FENDI PRADA, BASIC BITCHES WEAR THAT SHIT SO I DON'T EVEN BOTHA!  
Strauss: What the...?  
Blake: Yeah, she'll get over it.  
Garcia: So where are we going?  
Strauss: Home...?  
Garcia: *pouts* But I like it here!  
JJ: ARE YOU SERIOUS  
Garcia: Sha! None of my hoes want G-woman to leave! RIGHT, LADIES!  
*a huge cheer erupts from the cells*  
Strauss: ...Come on, Penelope. *pulls her along*  
Garcia: NOOOO! CHRRIIISSSS!  
Chris: *reaches out her cell* PENELOPE, NOOOOOOO!  
Garcia: *sobs*  
Chris: *sobs with her*  
Blake: I hate everyone.

*later on, at the FBI headquarters*  
Strauss: *walks into Hotch's office* Have you changed your mind?  
Hotch: Hmm?  
Strauss: About sending Rossi to the asylum?  
Hotch: *snorts* What makes you think I've changed my mind?  
Strauss: It's just... I know he's your friend.  
Hotch: ...He is. But I understand that he needs to be put away before he causes anymore trouble. Besides, he needs help. It would be selfish to keep him here.  
Strauss: *nods* When are you taking him?  
Hotch: Tomorrow.  
Strauss: Good luck.  
Hotch: *waves her away*  
Strauss: *walks out with a sigh*


End file.
